Seriously, Who Farted?

The Lineup: Some teen dude with sideburns, some Latina chick, some white blond dude, some white blonde girl, and two brunettes.

Fart Factor: Pretty high. About a 7.9. Dude's like, what? Latina chicks like, ah no you di-in't! Blond dude's like, huh? Blonde chick's like, my fingers are on fire, but did somebody just drop major ass here in the woods? And the two brunette Kardashian-wannabes are all like, bitch, you better fess up.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Latina chick! Ay, chihuahua!

Live From Cleveland

"Chaos begins when the heat rises...from someone's pants."

The Lineup: An EXTREMELY huge Val Kilmer, who's obviously let himself go, and three girls whose names I don't care to learn. And a fan inside the lettering can't blow away the whiff, so they're all screwed.

Fart Factor: A steamingly hot 9. Girl 1 cannot believe it- she just straightened her hair. Girl 2 (Anne Heche?) denies knowing anything about a fart. Girl 3 should really close her mouth. And ginormous Val Kilmer just enjoys the rancid cloud and lets it seep into his beard. And somewhere towards the floor of the room, Willow is gasping his last breath.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Girl 3. And she's about to let another one, by the looks of it.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Squeeze

The lineup: Brooding lead male, mandatory Asian scientist, poor man's Rutger Hauer, poor man's Randy Quaid, poor man's Patrick Stewart covered in scat, and half of brooding lead female.

Fart factor: 400 out of 600 credits. Things are tense on the bridge. An overall feeling of distrust and pseudo-military rank heightens the electricity. The male and female leads hold court in silence. Asian woman calculates how much oxygen is left. Capt. Picard wonders who sharted on him. Rutger Hauer hides half of his face, and Randy Quaid is the only one who sees the enormous ghost alien-ripoff coming to OM NOM NOM NOM everyone.

Most likely fart suspect: faux Rutger Hauer. He's a B-movie actor look-alike in a D-movie. But smell that. That's real.