The PseudoTemple of Poot

The Lineup: Richard Chamberlain, because his name had the closest syllables to "Allan Quatermain," and that woman who built an entire film career from showing her pussy. Yeah, and I know it's a drawing rather than a photo, but fuck off.


Fart Factor: A feeble 5 out of 10, despite the actors' best efforts.


Allan Chambermain smells something terrible and wants to shoot it.


Sharon Stone also smells something terrible and wants to shoot it, but right after she flashes her vagina.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Look closely at the poster.


Richard Quaterlain is wafting away the poot, which originates from SHARON STONE! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

Fart On Three. One...Two...

The Lineup: You can read, can't you? Jesus.

Fart Factor: 8 out of 10. Both men are offended, although only one of them is innocent. Travolta thinks it smells so bad he has to clench his jaw. Denzel tries to rise above it all but can't get beyond the offense. And a train is coming out of the hole.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: I really hate to accuse the black guy, but yeah.

Thunderdome.

(Alternate title: "Who Runs Fartertown?")

A reader submission by Tom Weingard: a page from US Magazine.
Click to enlarge for the full effect.

The Temple of Poot

The Lineup: Half of Ashley Judd's face, Harrison Ford who may or may not be wearing a fedora, some kid, and Ray Liotta who may or may not have his brain exposed.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Lots of nostril flaring and accusatory looks. Ray has a look of disbelief. Jim Sturgess doesn't take sides. Han Solo thinks he smells a Wookiee, and Ashley Judd is just glad she's not playing a cop again (is she?).

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Ray Liotta. Now he's got to go back into Witness Protection. (losing horns)

An Incorrect Title.

The Lineup: HOLY CRAP, IT'S THE GUY FROM "SERENITY"...no, wait just some guy; HOLY CRAP, IT'S REESE WITHERSPOO...no, that's not her either; HOLY CRAP, IT'S BRAD P... shit, this movie is full of nobodies.

Fart Factor: High. 8 out of 10. The guy with the rope bracelet is saying, "You're not fooling anybody, Reese Witherspoon. The dude packing looks at the camera as if to say, "Can you believe she just farted in front of everybody?" And Reese Witherspoon lookalike is just glad the rupture didn't make her boobs fall out.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Since she never admitted to it, we're going to have to declare a mistrial here. Everyone is dismissed.

Put a Ring On It.

The Lineup: Some dude too tall for a poster, Béyéoncéé Knowlés, and the boring chick from "Heroes."

Fart Factor: 5 out of 10. And I'm not saying it's a racial thing, but I can't help but feel like somebody's blaming whitey.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Whitey.

Snikt! Poot!

The Lineup: The guy who empties my gutters every fall, the guy who rings me up at the car wash, Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber with a terrible manicure, and the girl who I gave a look to on the bus.

Fart Factor: 7.3 out of 10. Wolverine is pretty defiant of the accusation, whereas everyone else can't even bring themselves to look at the camera. Or else someone dropped a nickel.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The guy who empties my gutters every fall. I always knew that sound wasn't from the squeaky gutters.