A fart without a sense of purpose is not a fart at all.

The Lineup:

Attention tourists! Here's one way to discover a sense of direction: fart, then walk the OPPOSITE way. You'll get where you're going in no time. Way to fit in with the locals! Also, look for her to start fanning that map any second.

Fart Factor:

6 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

The guy who is obviously mid-squeeze.

Now Would Be a Good Time To Wave.

The Line Up: Princes William and Harry. Don't know which is which. If I did, that would mean I am gay.

Fart Factor: 4 out of 10. 8 out of 10 if you convert from pounds to dollars.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The two are notoriously mischievous, so it's hard to say. (Didn't one dress like a Nazi once?) But if I were a wagering man, I'd say the prince to the left. He's younger and it looks like he just finished a one-cheek sneak. Keep a stiff upper lip. Don't ruffle any feathers.

A soft breeze down below.

The Lineup:

Three men feel festive, one feels gassy.

According to the imminently reliable Wikipedia, a kilt is a "traditional garment of modern Scottish or Celtic (more specifically Gaelic) culture typically worn by men."

For men who fart, however, it's just a colorful wind tunnel.

Fart Factor:

7 out of 10

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

The Celtic (specifically Gaelic) or Scot on the right.

Fartinonya

The Lineup: A whole array of Indian actors who are unknown in the States but are probably motherfuckin' HUGE in India. Also, George Harrison with eyeliner.

Fart Factor: 9.5 out of 10. Some serious clouds are wafting along the plains, and it ain't from a train's smokestack. From left to right, Surush is inquisitive; Arpana is optimistically stimulated; Rajat is stern and bored; George Harrison's sitar gently weeps; Captain Nayakan feels deeply threatened; Kanvar is terrified; Gaurang is defiantly defensive. Meanwhile, a royal guard on the plains tries to kill the title of the movie.

Most likely fart suspect: The director Vidhu Chopra (not pictured) who just wanted to show India's A-Listers who's really fueling the train.

Silent But Deadly.

The Lineup:

3 mime clowns (WTF) live it up, laugh it up, and stink it up while they rest their tired performing selves on colored boxes.

Fart Factor:

7 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

To identify our farting mime clown, one must examine clearly the various facial expressions expressed. The answer lies in the man in the middle, flanked on the sides by his compatriots who are clearly laughing uproariously. Conversely, the man in the middle isn't actually laughing at all, but punctuating his poot with a vocal confirmation. It's all fun and games until they realize that their fake noses are blocking their nasal passageways. Mime clown farts stick around awhile.

1757: The Year of the French, Brits, and Farts.

Ed: the following is a guest submission from frequent reader Jessica Foster.

The Line Up:

Hawkeye, a white guy that thinks he's an Indian and Cora, a hot white
chick that hates guys that wear powdered wigs.

Fart Factor:

10 out of 10

The most likely stinky 18th century air punisher:

By the look on Cora's face, she is admiring a fart, most likely of
her own. No one loves the smell of other peoples' farts. By the proud
but a little distant look on Hawkeye's face, we can see that he is
torn between falling even more madly in love with his woman because
she can smell so bad it's good, or he is repulsed, knowing she
probably crapped in her Expensive English frocks.

Aisle 4: Cereal, Granola Bars, Noxious Fumes

The Lineup:

2 ladies go grocery shopping, cut more than just coupons.

Fart Factor:

7 out of 10

Most Likely Fart Subject:

This "Who Farted Face Off" is a duel worthy of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. Too bad grocery aisles aren't wide enough to allow for 10 paces prior to farting. Oh well. Notice how each suspect looks accusatory, yet smug about the whole thing. These ladies make it possible to shoot daggers from one's back, which I've henceforth never seen. The question in this case isn't "who farted?", it's more like "who farted BEST?" And the truth is, there really is no loser. They both did, and they're both OK with it.