C-C-C-Cold-Farted

The Lineup: Paula Abdul and the proud, sculpted likeness of the Greek god Mercury in a leather jacket, both starring in the straight-to-video romance "Harlequi$4.99 Sweet Deals"

Fart Factor: A dense 8 out of 10. Paula looks acutely ashamed of the blue mist she left her friend in. He however, tries to nobly hold his breath for as long as he can. Paula leans on a nearby wall either out of exhaustion or because she's drunk again.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Simon! What?????

"It's As If She Evaporated Through the Walls..."

A WFP first: A request by Anonymous:


The Lineup: Let's see... Leonardo Dicaprio standing over a barren miniature prison island. And he had to light a match to belay the stink. Yep, that's it.

Fart Factor: 3 out of 10. No mystery here. Maybe Leonardo is going crazy like he did in "The Beach" or "The Basketball Diaries" or "The Aviator" and suspects someone other than himself.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Himself.

My pickup died. My wife left me. Then, I soiled my drawers.

The Lineup:
2 country stars take themselves and their gaseous elements so seriously, even a hat with a wide brim can't conceal it. Their horses ran away after their nostrils became filled with fury.

Fart Factor:
A twangy 7 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:
They both did. Because that's what America would do. Consider it Farts for Freedom.

Fat Fart in a Little Car.

The Lineup:

Here's an idea: let's pack the family into a '92 Geo Metro and hit the beach! Of course, we all know what that means: today's forecast calls for noxious fumes packed tightly into very uncomfortable surfaces. This group is young but experienced. The gassy older brother with the dumb look on his face is flanked by his annoyed little brother and sister. The younger brother's t-shirt does a bang-up job of enumerating what he's feeling at the moment, and the sister doesn't let her car seat hold back what she thinks of the stench--she's very disappointed. One can only imagine what mom and dad are doing in the front seat. Probably waving newspapers and cranking the AC. Dad's probably slightly proud too. I can picture him hanging his arm out the window in a quiet celebration saying to himself, "now that's what America stands for." Can't say that I disagree.

Fart Factor:

10 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Subject:

The older brother--With a perfect 10 out of 10 rating, he's our first All-Star farter.