New Moon (No Pun Title Needed)

The Lineup: Kristen Stewart, that Robert Pattinson or Patterson guy, and six teen emoters. All in brown mist.

Fart Factor: I'd give it a 6.5 out of 10. From left to right, jock vampire knows what's up. Cheerleader vampire doesn't appreciate the smell. Kristen Stewart turns away but likes how it blows her hair. Robert Pattinson or Patterson or whatever claws Kristen's back as if he's about to squeeze another one out. Blond vampire can barely see or smell anything from back there in the bleachers. Wynonna Judd vampire smirks from afar. Sassy best friend vampire with a bob haircut encourages the farter to ratchet that action up to actual poop, and curly-haired douche vampire will pretend he didn't hear that loud clap.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The werewolves. They always blame the werewolves.

Live From Cleveland

"Chaos begins when the heat rises...from someone's pants."

The Lineup: An EXTREMELY huge Val Kilmer, who's obviously let himself go, and three girls whose names I don't care to learn. And a fan inside the lettering can't blow away the whiff, so they're all screwed.

Fart Factor: A steamingly hot 9. Girl 1 cannot believe it- she just straightened her hair. Girl 2 (Anne Heche?) denies knowing anything about a fart. Girl 3 should really close her mouth. And ginormous Val Kilmer just enjoys the rancid cloud and lets it seep into his beard. And somewhere towards the floor of the room, Willow is gasping his last breath.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Girl 3. And she's about to let another one, by the looks of it.

Farty Keitel

(Alternate Title: Somebody Light a Cage Match)


The Lineup: The two leads from "Ghost Rider." I guess it was such a lucrative movie that they decided to team up again.

Fart Factor: 3 out of 10. Nicolas Cage gives that intense Nicolas Cage squint– he suspects that maybe whoever farted is hiding under the Declaration of Independence. Eva Mendes (I've gone on record saying I'd let her fart on me) looks more disappointed than anything. And a bunch of miniature cops have to sit in the big ol' stink cloud.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Nicolas Cage. What an a-hole.

Burning Methane

The Line-uppe: Monsieur Vin Diesel Look-alike een a well tailored suit, Monsieur Jean-Philippe Badass sans shirt, et Mademoiselle Hugeboob in a French action film explosif de Alain Desrotters. Oh la la!

Facteur de Fart: 7 out of, how do you say, 10?


Monsieur Baldé theenks that somewohn has leeked a fart een the atmosphere. He cannot believe his nostreels!


Jean-Luc Scruffé can smell something térrible, certainement. Eet has started to curl hees hair, no?


Et le pretty lady avec les grandes nichons knows the foul odour ees wafting een her direction. C'est horrible pour elle!


There ees also a personne spirituele gigantique een the background, seeting een the meest. Ees he the source of the fart? Or is he the fart eetself?

Most Likely Suspect de Fart: Germany. They start everytheeng!

Shields Down! And Somebody Crack a Window!

The Lineup: The guy from "In Search Of," the old black woman from "Heroes," and the Priceline Negotiator.

Fart Factor: Warp 7, Captain. We've picked up readings of a noxious methane leak in the cabin, with possible traces of sulfur. Changing scanner frequency to isolate the source.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Not to narc him out, but I saw Sulu in the break room eating space egg rolls.

I'll Be There For You

The Lineup: Jennifer and Dave.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Dave is having a hard time listening either because he wants to catch a peek at her "Rachel" or because he can't hear her over the loud butt clap.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Sorry, we're all out of time. Good night, folks!

Breakfast? No Thanks.

The Lineup: A princess, a brain, and an athlete.

Fart Factor: Pretty high. I heard a noise from the other room, and I know it was one of you. So you better tell me who it was right now. You know what? You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The big statue. At least that's what the basket case said.