Matlock That Shit Down

The Lineup: Temu Jonathan Groff, Helmet Hair, Kathy Bates, and two people too insignificant to even mention.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. In the courtrooms of justice (redundant?), it is the job of attorneys to find the truth and represent it. Here a team that usually works together face off over a leaked brief. Main dude looks defensive. Playmobil snap-on hair appears to be a hostile witness. The peanut gallery seems lost but innocent. And Kathy Bates is looking directly at YOU and wants to call you up to the stand.

Most Likely Suspect: Let's just say somebody had too many Fried Green Tomatoes and dropped a Titanic fart that left her partners in Misery. Dolores Claiborne!

The Title of the Movie is Appropriate For This

The Lineup: Baron Von Trapp, Shirley MacLaine, and two frightened young people.

Fart Factor: 8.5 out of 10. Because someone didn't close their ring, Mischa Barton searches for the culprit until her head and neck separate from her shoulders. A young Stephen Amell tries to stare through Mischa and accuse her. And poor Christopher Plummer and Shirley are lost in the fart fog.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Shirley MacLaine. The fart smelled of baby powder and Elizabeth Arden 5th Avenue.

Overwhelming Musk

The Lineup: A confused girl, a dashing but disturbing mammalian CG creature, and a boy with a whole jar of product in his hair.

Fart Factor: 4 out of 10. The girl seems disturbed by the sudden sound. The rat-cat-Indiana Jones-thingy takes it all in stride, and the boy hopes that dragon's fire dissipates the smell soon.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The Crocodile. Those weren't swamp bubbles! 

 

Old Farts and Open Air

Now, how did the format of this blog go again? It's been a while.

Oh, yeah.

The Lineup: Dr. Emmett Brown, Newman, two other old codgers, and a young couple, all shot separately in a studio and photoshopped into a stock image of a park.

Fart Factor: A suspicious 7 out of 10. Everyone's got side-eye at the two lovers, but the only person not making eye contact is the chick, and she's looking at the camera.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Dr. Brown. He's going to use that clipboard to fan it to the sky.

You Could Cut The Fart Cloud With a Knife

The Lineup: A man and a woman. Maybe roommates. Maybe lovers?

Fart Factor:  A high 9 out of 10. The man dares the woman to accuse him. The woman gives right back, daring him to dare her to accuse him.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Look closely at the clouds- that shit is wafting from the left. IT'S THE MAN

Smells Like Eggs

The Lineup: A bunch of floating heads, each with noses pointed at a different fart source.

Fart Factor: 8 out of 10. (from clockwise) Big Blonde detects a big one; Baseball Cap can't pinpoint if it's a skunk or an ass bomb; Waitress is unimpressed; Doof in the Middle thinks it may have been him; and Small Blonde kind of likes the smell.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: NOBODY. The place just reeks like that!

Making The Stable Smell Worse

The Lineup: A big sister, a little sister, and a horse from "Ostwind (German for Windstorm)".

Fart Factor: A coltish 8 out of 10. Big sis thinks she knows who did it. Lil' sis thinks she knows who did it. And the horse just wants an apple.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The little sister dropped a megabomb that made the horse rear and buck.

Slow Your Role!

The Lineup: Terrence Kingsby and Kelly Stimmet Davis in a wacky urban rom-com!

Fart Factor: 7 out of 10. Terrence knows something is up. Kelly tries to distract with a shiny ring, but the movie logo sits in a cloud of warm ass.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Kelly, duh!

Spider-Pants Tingling!

The Lineup: Peter Parker, Gwen Stacy, and Miles Morales

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Gwen doesn't need spider-senses to smell that whopper. Miles thinks it could be from a nearby lurker. And Peter oddly seems nonchalant.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: PLOT TWIST! THE RADIOACTIVE SPIDER

Heads In The Clouds

The Lineup: Five dramatic heads sit in a dark cloud of ass. John Huston, Peter Bogdanovich and some other respected Hollywood royalty breathe it in.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Everyone seems resigned to their fate, except the naked lady in the field, who seems okay with it all.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The naked lady in the field, duh.

STOP THAT TRAIN!

The Lineup: Somewhere between Norwood and Forest Hills, the train car with only two passengers has gotten too crowded. Shelby is on her way to an important lunch meeting. Karl is just riding for fun.

Fart Factor: By the surprised look on her face, 8. That thang be stankin'.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: No surprise twist here. It's him. Oh God, it's him.

Can You Hear Me, Lord?

Pictured above, a true believer lets out a cloud of yellow.

Album Cover Fartness

DID YOU KNOW? Fabolous—other than really fucking with your autocorrect—can pass entire gaseous planets after two breakfast burritos.

MR. CRACK!

Le Passé Gassé

Le Lineup: Deux hommes, une femme. Et l'odeur de la mort.

Le Factor de Fart: 8 sur 10. Les deux hommes se déclarent coupables, et la femme soupçonne la plus grande mec. Un paume d'or a été pendu pour dissiper la puanteur.

Probablement Suspect de Peté: Les sales Américains!

Okay, Who Did It Really?

A TV show I wouldn't be surprised is already canceled has a poster that I don't understand but don't care enough to clarify. These are all older versions of the kids who killed another kid years ago or something? Yawn.

The Lineup: This guy looking right, that guy looking left, that other guy looking bored, that last guy who showed up late and had to stand in the back, and Winona Ryder doppelgänger wishing she were the one cast in "Stranger Things" instead. Plus a group photo of children who just dumped another kid's body.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. This guy challenges everyone else to accuse him of farting, That guy can't believe he's being challenged. That other guy hopes that didn't stain his last pair of clean underwear. That last guy is too far to smell whatever's going on, and the real Winona Ryder laughs as her doppelgänger stands in a cloud of warm butt. 

Most Likely Fart Suspect: BIG TWIST- it was the KIDS! The KIDS!

*Boring update: The Game of Silence iMDB page (yes, there really is one) says the show is "based on the true story of children (Ali Avcı, Metin Subaşı, Levent Hamurcu) who were sentenced in absentia to nine years in prison on the charge of stealing some baklava dessert in Gaziantep in 1997."

Smells Like Dead Flesh

The Lineup: Sasha, Maggie Green, Glenn Rhee, Daryl Dixon, Rick Grimes, Morgan Jones, Gabriel Stokes, Deanna Monroe, Aaron, Jessie Anderson, and Spencer Monroe (can you tell I watch the show?)

Fart Factor: A terrifying 8 out of 10. Two sides are accusing each other, while Rick either dares Morgan to fess up or accuse him. Morgan intensely avoids eye contact. Meanwhile, a brown cloud hangs over the entire neighborhood.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Maggie. She ate the last can of sardines, and let's just say it wasn't properly sealed.

WHOA! That Hurts!

The Lineup: Tiny Keanu, who looks like he really let out a painful one. Large Floating Keanu, who is judging you SO HARD. And Large Floating Morgan Freeman, who regrets to get involved with any of it.

Fart Factor: Pretty huge. Like a 10 out of 10. That fart is so powerful, it's emitting light at the end of the tunnel. And notice how both floating heads are keeping their mouths shut.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Tiny Keanu better run before those floating heads catch their breath long enough to eat him.

Who Was That?

Editor's Note: Good God, it's almost been TWO YEARS since the last post?!

The Lineup: Christopher 1,  Christopher 2, Christopher 3, Christopher 4.

Fart Factor: A solid 4 out of 4. The tension between them is tangible. And smellable.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Take your pick- you'll be correct.

A Solid Pop Hit

The Lineup: Ronnie Hawkins (who?) on his LP release, "Rockin'."

Fart Factor: A rockin' 8.4. With one leg up and a hand ready to wave it away, Ronnie serves it up like a 6-year old starter at a tee-ball championship.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: It's always, and will always be Ronnie.

"Left Behind," Indeed

The Lineup: Nicolas Cage, Jordin Sparks, and the Nebraska City Theatre Players.

Fart Factor: An apocalyptic 8.4 out of 10. Jordin Sparks tries to wring the odor out of her keffiyeh. Blonde Girl 1 keeps it casual. Nicolas Cage's Face tries to deal with the fact that it was Photoshopped onto Captain Charlie Sheen's body. Froggy Fresh still can't believe you dunked on him. And Blonde Girl 2 keeps it professional. And they all cannot believe lighting farts could decimate a city like that, honest.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Detroit