That smells vapid.

After seeing this poster, I immediately decided anything written about foulness and bad smells would somehow feel redundant. So I'll be brief.

The Lineup:

2 famous-for-being-famous socialites bring awful odor to quintessential middle America.

Fart Factor:

7 out of 10

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

Nicole's nose is wrinkled in suspicion of stink. So we therefore must choose between a small dog and the other one. And I think we all know the answer.

No, Not In the Wind Tunnel!

The lineup: Mojo Morgan's Hoochie Coochie Band, self described as "A band whose every live performance is a powerful energetic mixture of Alternative Rock giving 100%." Which means playing .38 Special and Steve Miller covers on $3 pitcher night.


Fart Factor: 6.5 out of 10. From left to right, Vocalist Mojo steadies himself as he lets eagles fly. Guitarist Simon sits through the ordeal, looking to the side for an escape. Bass player Nik leans over to separate the ass cheeks for a larger reverb effect. Stevie the drummer makes a mental note to check his pants after the shoot. And two people in the far distance argue over whether the band gets paid that night or not.

Most likely fart suspect: A twofer- Mojo and Nik. They're always playing lead, anyway.

My Chocolate Pants

The lineup: Two of the hottest young actresses in Hollywood today. And a Grammy winner? Weird.

Fart Factor: Pretty high. An 8.4 out of 10. Rachel Weisz's hairdo is disturbed by the hot gust. Natalie Portman appears uncharacteristically unmoved by the disturbance in the Force. Norah Jones wants you to come away with her.

Most likely fart suspect: She doesn't belong. She has no business there. She farted blurry circles all over the street. Don't know why she didn't come.

Something reeks of nostalgia.

The Lineup:

A classic movie tale for the ages. The lot of the group seems not so much accusatory as they do startled. Which, when you think about how long the group had been together walking down that darn brick road, is a bit surprising. They should know each other's habits well enough by now. 

Study it for a second, you'll get it.

Fart Factor:

6 out of 10.

Most likely fart suspect:

With a diverse set of men, man-lions, man-scarecrows, and men made of tin, a bad smell is going to come from somewhere. You of all people should realize that.

However, it appears that the fart in this particular scenario is not that of man, but rather of beast. The cowardly lion appears stoic, while the others appear started (judy garland, meanwhile, just looks high). Kudos to the cowardly lion for having the courage to clear a room.

Question: does a tin fart freeze or harden? Is it at least malleable?

Garlic would be an improvement.

The Lineup:

Dracula and an unsuspecting victim. What she's lacking in blood she appears to be making up for in toxic fumes inhaled.

Fart Factor:

7 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

Dracula. If you think that was bad, you should smell what happens when he turns into a bat.

Feel the Heat.

The lineup: Two of the most respected actors in Hollywood. Playing cops. Again.

Fart Factor: a low 2.7 out of 10. Suspicion in the air, but no direct accusations. Al seems the more inquisitive one, but Bobby is insulted that you would even ask. So much so he's turning the tables on you...

Most likely fart suspect: Val Kilmer's fat ass. And it smells like sauerkraut.

When Storms Collide, Part III, Chapter Six: How Large Gas Balls Have Managed To Escape the Confines of My Lower Intestines To Invade Your Nostrils

The lineup: Over-wrought art-rock band Coheed & Cambria. CDs available at all Hot Topic and Hot Topic Express stores.

Fart Factor: 4 out of 10. No wind is blowing any hair here, so we know it was a meted-out squeaker. And woe is the photographer who was low to the ground. From left to right, Michael breaks his concentration at the clap of noise. Claudio maintains a facade of seriousness, although he seems to protest too much... Joshua pops his collar against the oncoming winds, and Travis takes it all in stride.

Most likely fart suspect: Travis. His side project is named "Fire Deuce." And that's all the evidence you need, really.