#31: Beef and Broccoli

The Lineup: The Japanese dude from Inception, John Cusack, the woman from Miami Vice, and Chow Yun-Fat. All looking like they're pissing on a city below.

Fart Factor: An intriguing 5.7 out of 10. Ken Watanabe arches an accusing eyebrow. John Cusack tries to get Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" out of his head, Li Gong bravely sits through the gas, and Chow Yun-Fat wishes he could backflip out of there.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Chow Yun-Fat. You could tell because the fart smelled hard boiled. Get it?

Swamp (G)ass

The Lineup: Tommy Lee Jones, John Goodman, and I think that's a black guy(?) in the marshes.

Fart Factor: 8.1 out of 10. Two veteran actors who once bonded over wearing chains around their necks now scowl at each other with flared nostrils and damaged egos. (Or is it flared egos and damaged nostrils?) Meanwhile, Robert Downey Jr. in blackface wades up to his nuts in smelly slime.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Mary Steenburgen. She had a burrito for lunch.

Unfortunate Album Cover of the Month

*MELODIC LOUD FART*

The Stink of Insoles

Fashion photography has been woefully under-represented on this blog. So today we explore the fart situation of the home page of Florsheim Shoes:


The Lineup: Christian Bale-ish, Girl who looks like a fucking alien, and a younger, thinner Donal Logue.

Fart Factor: A medium 7 out of 10. Christian Bale-ish thought he heard the train's air brakes; Girl with enormous head with wide-set eyes and no ears tries to hurry by the smell, and young Donal Logue regrets not bringing a coat on the long trip.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Girl with tiny neck that can barely support her gigantic skull

C-C-C-Cold-Farted

The Lineup: Paula Abdul and the proud, sculpted likeness of the Greek god Mercury in a leather jacket, both starring in the straight-to-video romance "Harlequi$4.99 Sweet Deals"

Fart Factor: A dense 8 out of 10. Paula looks acutely ashamed of the blue mist she left her friend in. He however, tries to nobly hold his breath for as long as he can. Paula leans on a nearby wall either out of exhaustion or because she's drunk again.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Simon! What?????

Smells Like Hell.

The Lineup: Tom Hanks and a sea of men of the cloth, one of whom is grabbing his crotch (surprise, surprise).
Fart Factor: A weak 4 out of 10. Everyone knows priests fart in their frocks all the time, so locating the source would be as easy as grabbing any of them by the shoulder.
Most Likely Fart Factor: The priest who just passed by the foreground– you see how he opened up his robes? Jeez, somebody light some incense in here.

Unfortunate Book Cover of the Month

Unfortunate Magazine Cover of the Month

Smells Rotten

The Lineup: Hellboy, Charlie from LOST, and 2 evil characters from a Dickens novel.

Fart Factor: A breezy 7 out of 10. Ron Perlman is caught at his least expressive, meaning he doesn't even smell the fart. Dominic Monaghan, however, is getting chest pains from inhaling. The left old coot suspects everyone else. The right old coot considers whipping his horse.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Left old coot. You can tell he's the one that farted because all the color went out of his face.

Old Fart, or That's Not a Motorcycle Sound

Here's a lovely photo clipped from the British paper "Mail." Yep.

Cover Your Nose, Mouth, and Ass

From a Flu Prevention flyer I got at work:


The Lineup: Happy black chick, worried accountant lady, aloof white dude, concerned Asian woman, unconcerned young intern, white-haired dude who's breaking the fourth fucking wall, and Kristen Wiig who just saw the box office receipts for "MacGruber."

Fart Factor: a heavy, dense 8 out of 10. Black chick doesn't smell or care. Worried accountant just gagged, aloof white dude is thinking of a math solution to get him out of there, concerned Asian woman wonders what smells like kobe beef, unconcerned young intern is sexting her boyfriend who's cheating on her, white-haired dude SHOULD NOT BE LOOKING AT THE FUCKING CAMERA, and Kristen Wiig should not have taken the part in "MacGruber."

Most Likely Fart Suspect: (as circled by Tom Weingard):

"It's As If She Evaporated Through the Walls..."

A WFP first: A request by Anonymous:


The Lineup: Let's see... Leonardo Dicaprio standing over a barren miniature prison island. And he had to light a match to belay the stink. Yep, that's it.

Fart Factor: 3 out of 10. No mystery here. Maybe Leonardo is going crazy like he did in "The Beach" or "The Basketball Diaries" or "The Aviator" and suspects someone other than himself.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Himself.

Sound Effect Not Needed

The Lineup: Speed Buggy, Not Fred, Not Daphne, and Not Shaggy

Fart Factor: 8 for loudness. 3 for mystery. The human trio all looking at Speed as if he's right in the middle of one hell of a skidmark-making road ripper. And all three of them apparently sporting wood, too.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:Daphne! Trademark twist ending! BRRRRRAAAP!!

Unfortunate Album Cover of the Month

Extra bonus for the unfortunate album title.

Clear The Pool!

The lineup: (clockwise from top left) That guy, that other guy, that chick, and that guy.

Fart Factor: A perfect 10 out of 10. Guy 1 shoots it out with the grace of a swan. Guy 2 is enraptured by the thrill of release. The chick barrels forward with the power of her thighs, and the last guy makes it squeak so loud it whistles.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: EVERYONE.

Making The Ice Crack.

From the DVD menu to the indie movie "Frozen River:"


The Lineup: (from left to right) Stan Marsh, Shaun White, Holly Hunter, and the Star Wars kid. And two people drive away, disgusted.

Fart Factor: 4.3 out of 10. Kid mopes. Teen denies. Mom sniffs. Nerd ignores.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The little kid is hiding his face because his ass has already spoken.

Unfortunate Album Cover of the Month

From the hardcore band Structures, what is supposed to depict something awesome like a volcano in the ocean looks like an old man's chapped ass after a trip to Del Taco.

Unfortunate Movie Poster of the Month

The smoke + that unfortunate placement of that second "0" in "2010." Smelly.

Do You Smell Dog?

The Lineup: Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt, Agent Smith and Benicio Del Toro in the role he was born to play.

Fart Factor: 6.2 out of 10. Suddenly Hannibal Lecter isn't hungry. Emily Blunt can't understand how some people can be so darn rude. Hugo Weaving can't get the smell out of his 'stache. Benicio smells so bad already, he can't even tell the difference.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The wolf. Because everyone blames the dog.

Special Guest Entry: "Congratulations, It's A Fart!"

Submitted by old school hip hop DJ John Reid, a terrible Lindsay Lohan vehicle:


The Lineup: Lindsay Lohan looks up at us as we catch her farting an M.

Fart Factor: 8 out of 10. Lindsay's been doing so much coke, she glows and apparently reeks of urine. This has affected her gastrointestinal tract, causing her to excrete out offensive bits of gas. Most recently, "I Know Who Killed Me" and "Herbie Fully Loaded."

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Lindsay, although she'll most likely blame her Dad.