Friday, January 30, 2009

An Incorrect Title.

The Lineup: HOLY CRAP, IT'S THE GUY FROM "SERENITY", wait just some guy; HOLY CRAP, IT'S REESE, that's not her either; HOLY CRAP, IT'S BRAD P... shit, this movie is full of nobodies.

Fart Factor: High. 8 out of 10. The guy with the rope bracelet is saying, "You're not fooling anybody, Reese Witherspoon. The dude packing looks at the camera as if to say, "Can you believe she just farted in front of everybody?" And Reese Witherspoon lookalike is just glad the rupture didn't make her boobs fall out.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Since she never admitted to it, we're going to have to declare a mistrial here. Everyone is dismissed.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Put a Ring On It.

The Lineup: Some dude too tall for a poster, Béyéoncéé Knowlés, and the boring chick from "Heroes."

Fart Factor: 5 out of 10. And I'm not saying it's a racial thing, but I can't help but feel like somebody's blaming whitey.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Whitey.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Snikt! Poot!

The Lineup: The guy who empties my gutters every fall, the guy who rings me up at the car wash, Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber with a terrible manicure, and the girl who I gave a look to on the bus.

Fart Factor: 7.3 out of 10. Wolverine is pretty defiant of the accusation, whereas everyone else can't even bring themselves to look at the camera. Or else someone dropped a nickel.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The guy who empties my gutters every fall. I always knew that sound wasn't from the squeaky gutters.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Blow It Out Your Ass.

The Lineup: NOT the girl from Six Feet Under, and possibly the guy from Smallville, but who gives a shit, really.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Red smells something. But Clark is playing oblivious. Luckily someone down below has taken it upon themselves to light a match.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:
Nora Roberts. That chick cranks farts out almost as frequently as her rag books.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

That Big Bass Thump.

The Lineup: DJ GroceryClerk and DJ BrotherofGroceryClerkWhoNeedsToBorrowLikeFiveDollars

Fart Factor: 4 out of 10. At 120 beats per minute. One of them was hoping the "Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss" would hide his butt burst. But nope.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: DJ I'mTooLazyToTypeOutHisWholeNameAgain