"Forgive Me, Father"

alternate title: He Who Farts In Church Must Sit In Pew


The Lineup: Oscar winners ahoy. They look good in black.
Fart Factor: 8 out of 10. Philip Seymour Hoffman exudes guilt. Amy Adams seeths with innocence. Meryl Streep emotes with suspicion. And a dark cloud of methane and doubt hangs throughout.
Most Likely Fart Suspect: Amy Adams! Yaaaay!!

"How ya like that, Freckles?"

Sawyer from LOST lets one fly underwater. Funny thing is that used to be a tranquil lake.

Can You Feel It?

The Lineup: Oscar winner Forest Whitaker, Virginia Madsen, Minnie... oh hell, you can read, can't you? Shit.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. A cloud of mystery surrounds the whole group. Forest tries desperately to look innocent. Minnie Driver is about to take names. Virginia Madsen pretends she's sitting at another table. And Philippe Caland (?????????) contemplates his fate as he dies in a yellow cloud.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Minnie Driver. How do you like them apples?

Another Unfortunate Album Cover

OUCH!

The Lineup: IT HURTS!!!

Fart Factor: HOLY SHIT!!! I'VE STARTED CRAMPING!!!! WHY DID I GO TO CHIPOTLE?!?!?!!

Most Likely Fart Suspect: OH GOD IN HEAVEN, IS THAT BLOOD??!!!!!

Contributing To the Smog Problem

The Lineup: Three terrifyingly huge floating heads over L.A. and two men fucking.

Fart Factor: 8 out of 10. Gina Torres' gigantic head definitely smells something and looks over the horizon for the source. Henry Simmons (I'm assuming that's his name since I have yet to meet a black man named Kip) scans the eastern shore. Kip waits around for another smoking gun. Then the two guys keep fucking, unawares of the ass terror coming their way.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Kip. Sure, blame it on the white guy.

Unfortunate Album Cover.

Subway Wind Tunnel

The lineup: A mediocre TV show and a mediocre movie, together in the bowels of the New York Transit Authority.


Fart Factor: Overall, 7 out of 10. Joshua Jackson and Denethor, Steward of Gondor huddle behind the super-hot Anna Torv for shelter from the ass gas. Joshua thinks he thought it coming from over the hill. Denethor and the super-hot Anna Torv, however, accuse you, the viewer.


Meanwhile, Shia Laboeuoeuouef and the chick from MI:3 accuse each other of leaking the information. They're both equally offended, but only one is the true shooter.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: I guess her name is Michelle Monaghan. Whatever. Take her away, boys.

People...People Who Accuse People...

The lineup: The guy from Jaws and the woman from Yentl in a swirling, billowing tale of intrigue and methane.

Fart Factor: 4 out of 10. He's trying to help her, but only if she helps herself first. How the hell does that even apply to farting. Spell this movie backwards and you get the reaction to how bad it smells.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Richard Dreyfuss! Plot twist!

Pootraker

The lineup: Hot chick sidekick #421 and a finally good James Bond. Neither of them wanting to talk about what just happened.

Fart Factor: 007 out of 10. Aya C. Labia is new to the scene but holds her ground. James Bond pretends not to call attention to himself (or the gun icon pointed at his crotch) but walks upwind from her, just in case she's a turncoat. And they're in the middle of nowhere, so that should narrow down the suspects.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Q, who's wearing the cloaking device to the left of them.

Packing Your Own Lunch.

The Lineup: Four anonymous schmoes playing blue collar fellows for a comedy series on a male-oriented network. You can smell more than testosterone.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Not Adrien Brody somehow cannot detect anything with his huge Adrien Brody-like nostrils. Scruff McGowan can, however, smell a hint of ass. Fat guy resigns himself to always being accused of doing it. And angry dude near the hinge looks at the others with contempt for ruining his air.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The angriest one in the group is usually protesting too much. So him.

Reboot

The Lineup: Some of Hollywood's most talented veteran actresses. You know all their names, except maybe Debra Messing's.

Fart Factor: An obvious 9 out of 10. Annette Bening tries to not let it interrupt a call with her agent. Jada Pinkett-Smith tries to fan it away towards Debra Messing's open mouth (gross). And Meg Ryan curls her already post-op, unnaturally-curled lip. Eva Mendez looks hotly recalcitrant.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Man, she is so hot. I'm not into farts, but I'd let her.

Someone's Lactose Intolerant.

Alternate title: HO HO HO Farted


The Lineup: Santa. Some elves. Some Martians. Oh yeah. And a robot. Zero sense.

Fart Factor: 8 out of 10. Santa is clearly unjolly about whoever did it. There are stoic Martians and a huge honking robot in his house, and someone cutting a gyro isn't exactly making his life simpler. Santa's even rolled up his sleeves to get to the bottom of it.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Martian #3 to the right. He's trying to act natural, because Santa looks PISSED.

The Gas Face

The Lineup: A whole slew of rappers I've never heard of, looking threatening or threatened because someone just broke out an ass cipher.

Fart Factor: A respectable 9.2 out of 10. In the mix, surprise, shock, outrage, and social commentary.


MC Hoof Artid cannot "Belee Dat."


Superintendent Air Bizkit wishes his hat could be pulled lower.


Lighta Match was reading the New York Times and doesn't appreciate the distraction.


MC Skidd Marx regrets being the "featured" artist instead of T-Pain.


Pooter Tang wants to get to the bottom of this, without getting to the bottom of this.


Most Likely Fart Suspect: Mistah Fab. He tries to ignore the hub-bub, but you can see he's breaking a sweat over it.

WFF--Peeping Tom (1960)

Overall Fart Factor: 7.5 out of 10.

"Fartknockers" Was Taken.

The lineup: A who's who of B and C-grade celebrities, all playing FBI profilers trying to find a serial killer in a terrible, terrible movie. Time is running out. And so is their oxygen supply.

Fart Factor: 7.5 out of 10. (clockwise from top) LL is that type of guy to drop gas and never tell. Random model chick feels threatened but pretty. Jonny Lee Miller stays cool but doesn't inhale. Kathryn Morris wishes her nose could disappear wherever her ears went. Random other dude warily (and wisely) keeps his mouth closed. Val Kilmer would like another meatball hoagie and a comb. And Christian Slater can't believe he's still in movies.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The watering eyeball in the secret square points at the shooter– K.M.!

WFF--Sneakers (1992)

Overall Fart Factor: 6 out of 10

WFF--Freaky Friday (2003)

Overall Fart Factor: 9

Who Farted Freestyle--Rocky Balboa (2006)

Overall Fart Factor: 7

New WFP Segment: Who Farted Freestyle!

Introducing a new segment without Lineup or Most Likely Fart Factor. Let's Freestyle with the 1982 film TRON!






Overall Fart Factor: 6