New Moon (No Pun Title Needed)

The Lineup: Kristen Stewart, that Robert Pattinson or Patterson guy, and six teen emoters. All in brown mist.

Fart Factor: I'd give it a 6.5 out of 10. From left to right, jock vampire knows what's up. Cheerleader vampire doesn't appreciate the smell. Kristen Stewart turns away but likes how it blows her hair. Robert Pattinson or Patterson or whatever claws Kristen's back as if he's about to squeeze another one out. Blond vampire can barely see or smell anything from back there in the bleachers. Wynonna Judd vampire smirks from afar. Sassy best friend vampire with a bob haircut encourages the farter to ratchet that action up to actual poop, and curly-haired douche vampire will pretend he didn't hear that loud clap.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The werewolves. They always blame the werewolves.

Live From Cleveland

"Chaos begins when the heat rises...from someone's pants."

The Lineup: An EXTREMELY huge Val Kilmer, who's obviously let himself go, and three girls whose names I don't care to learn. And a fan inside the lettering can't blow away the whiff, so they're all screwed.

Fart Factor: A steamingly hot 9. Girl 1 cannot believe it- she just straightened her hair. Girl 2 (Anne Heche?) denies knowing anything about a fart. Girl 3 should really close her mouth. And ginormous Val Kilmer just enjoys the rancid cloud and lets it seep into his beard. And somewhere towards the floor of the room, Willow is gasping his last breath.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Girl 3. And she's about to let another one, by the looks of it.

Farty Keitel

(Alternate Title: Somebody Light a Cage Match)


The Lineup: The two leads from "Ghost Rider." I guess it was such a lucrative movie that they decided to team up again.

Fart Factor: 3 out of 10. Nicolas Cage gives that intense Nicolas Cage squint– he suspects that maybe whoever farted is hiding under the Declaration of Independence. Eva Mendes (I've gone on record saying I'd let her fart on me) looks more disappointed than anything. And a bunch of miniature cops have to sit in the big ol' stink cloud.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Nicolas Cage. What an a-hole.