There Will Be Blood? Why?

(alternate title: Not Saved By the Bell)

The lineup: Faye Dunaway slums it with Eric Roberts and the chubby girl from the Peach Pit. It is unknown why their eyelines are far to the left of Tiffani Thiessen's ass.

Fart Factor: An obvious 4 out of 10. Eric and Faye can't handle the smell, and Tiffani looks unapologetic. Deal with it, oldies! And- hooray!- the tagline doesn't need to be altered.

Most Likely Fart Factor: The middle name "Amber" isn't the only thing she dropped.

The Shape of My Fart

(alternate titles: Unbreaking Wind, Tiger Beef Magazine, Climbing the Farts)

The lineup: The four Backstreet Boys who decided to reunite, minus the one that sort of looked like Daniel Day Lewis.

Fart Factor: A casual 5 out of 10. From left to right, (Editor's Note: I did NOT know these dudes' names and had to Wikipedia them) Brian Littrell maintains eye contact with the camera through the mist; Nick Carter wonders if the fart somehow affected his hair; Howie Dorough suspiciously plays the innocent; and I can't tell what A.J. McLean is thinking through all that shit on his face.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Brian Littrell always wanted his own solo release. And there it was.

A Change is A-Blowin'

The Lineup: The next President of the United States, Senator Barack Obama and The next President of the United States, Senator Hillary Clinton.

Fart Factor: Results are not in yet, but CNN has projected Obama to have 67% of the gas pains. What some analysts have seen as him basking in victory, others think Obama is simply sniffing out a leak from the competition. CBS, however, has projected Clinton to take the lead with a big push in the lower southeast, down Delaware before I enter. Brian Williams said Clinton looked "shaken" by whatever Obama is sharing with the panel. It smells strangely half-Kansan, half-Kenyan.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Not pictured, that old Republican fart.

My pickup died. My wife left me. Then, I soiled my drawers.

The Lineup:
2 country stars take themselves and their gaseous elements so seriously, even a hat with a wide brim can't conceal it. Their horses ran away after their nostrils became filled with fury.

Fart Factor:
A twangy 7 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:
They both did. Because that's what America would do. Consider it Farts for Freedom.

Big Explosion Firefight Methane Bomb Excitement!

The lineup: From the middle to the side, Ryo, Kazuki, Moshi, Hasai, Fen Kro, oh what the hell, I don't know. You tell me. I don't watch this shit.

Fart Factor: 9 Trillion out of 10. Goshi looks angry, as does Doctor Foo with the pillbox hat. The tiny head of Kazza looks contemplative, whilst Bo-yan looks on with bloody bukakke on him. Josiah looks angry, as does Metaldo, Krigge, and Forontt. Parei looks angry, and so does Esou, Tsuranga, F-Makko, and Sedresso-68. The others, however, look angry.

Most likely Fart Suspect: That white one on the left. Look at his veins– he's pushing another one out right now! DUCK!

Jazz Hands Will Help Waft It a Bit.

The lineup: YOUR UNLV Rebel Girls! Let's hear it, fellas! These girls have practiced their hearts out and kept their school spirit, just to be able to explode in front of you at halftime!

Fart Factor: 3 out of 10. All the spirit in the world wasn't enough to drive that terrible smell THAT-A-WAY. Some are checking their fresh pits for the source. Most have kept their pasted-on smiles throughout the ordeal.

Most likely Fart Suspect: Cassie, the dirty blonde. She's trying to ventriloquist that shit over to Brianne.

There's a threat in the air.

The Lineup:

The chick from that seminal MTV teen show and gerbil guy. Given what could or could not have been going on "up there", it's surprising he hasn't made an appearance on this site before.

Claire is a deer in headlights. Richard, on the other hand, appears to be concentrating hard. Always a sign of guilty. Also, I've never heard of this movie.

Fart Factor:

6 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

They're both guilty.

The Young and the Pungent

The Lineup:

Laslow casts an accusatory glance. Chase stands idly by. Cecily owns up. 

It's your typical daytime drama.

Fart Factor:

8 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

Cecily. She's always steaming up trouble. 

Attracting Flies

The lineup: A windswept Hilary Swank and the little blonde girl from Bridge To Tarabithia, not to be confused with the little blonde girl from Atonement.

Fart Factor: 5 out of 10. There is something in the air. An unsettling hum of something big on the horizon. A silence broken by an oncoming roar. Somebody's eaten a barbacoa burrito from Chipotle and you cannot stop the methane onslaught: Poot!

Most Likely Fart Factor: Hilary doesn't want to hear the truth. But sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction and harder to take. The truth lies within her. But not for long.

50 Scent.

The Lineup:

50 Cent. Hip hop megastar. Vitamin Water spokesman. Detector of The Big Stinky.

Fart Factor:

9.5 out of 10.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

Society.

In Need of a Silencer.

The Lineup:

"Hitman," UK box office smash, featuring the protagonist and his piercing blue eyes, likely femme fatale with sideboob, and my that's a long gun.

Fart Factor:

9 out of 10

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

The hitman. You can see the noxious stink fumes on his jacket. Plus, sideboob looks upset.

That Hissing Ain't a Snake.

The Lineup: Aaliyah and that dude whose name I always hear but wouldn't recognize on the street. Both caught up in a green world of moldy, steaming ass.

Fart Factor: 8 for intensity. 1 for mystery.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: She rocked the boat.

It was you, all right.

The Lineup:

"Promises", a Canadian-based pop group that made waves in the late 1970s with their hit "Baby, It's You." The group is made up of Leslie, Jed, and Benny. And they're all siblings!

Fart Factor:
7 out of 10. All are stoic against the stink. They were raised right.
Leslie later went on to record two songs for the 2001 Dennis Hopper movie "Choke." The two brothers wound up dancing jigs at farmers markets.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:
Contrary to popular belief, overalls don't cover everything. Jed did it.

Why the Amber Grain Waves.

The lineup: Four of our nation's most famous and beloved presidents– George, Tommy, Teddy, and the one from the Rozerum commercials with the beaver. All four sit in an odd-shaped cloud of stink that would rot your wooden teeth. All wish they had arms to hold their huge noses.

Fart Factor: Surprisingly, 8 out of 10. George tries to keep a stiff upper lip. Thomas looks for concrete proof of the source of poot. Teddy remains stonefaced. And Abraham protects the back of his head.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: He cannot tell a lie.

Jimmy Eat Fart, or Dashfart Confessifart

The lineup: The very emo cast of the upcoming "Twilight," which might either be a TV series I won't watch or a feature film I won't watch.

Fart Factor: 4 out of 10. Lots of awful, Evanescence-like poetry will be written from this. Emo Pippi Longstocking plays coy. Jock emo dude (there IS such a thing!) acts defiantly nonchalant. The chick from "Panic Room" squirms in discomfort as her bedheaded beau moodily tries to restrain her (and himself). Blonde goth looks on with dead eyes, and severely bedheaded goth "I like you only as a friend" dude wonders where the nearest Hot Topic is. And a heavy gray cloud lingers over their hearts like cobwebs on my dreams.

Most likely fart suspect: Life.

Rim-Rattling.

The Lineup: 

LSU Men's Basketball coach John Brady, Forward (and current NBA role player) Glen "Big Baby" Davis, and Guard Darrel Mitchell, who I know nothing about. A lot goes on here. Big Baby is shocked. John Brady crinkles his nose in triumph, while simultaneously demanding that players pull his finger. Darrel Mitchell tries to appear unassuming. 

Fart Factor:

5 out of 10

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

You would think that as a rule, Big Baby did it. While it could be argued that rather than being shocked, he's merely attempting to push out a rather large trouser rattler, it's not him. Coach Brady is too happy to be mid-push, and wouldn't be extending his finger offer if he had already let loose. 

Darrel with one "l" is attempting to be sly about it, but he's definitely to blame. Perhaps this is why he flamed out in the European League. Pun intended.