What a mess Tyler Durden has made.

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS A GUEST ENTRY SUBMITTED BY LOS ANGELES-BASED ART DIRECTOR AND FREQUENT FARTER VINCE SOLIVEN.

The Lineup:

Brad Pitt, pre-father-of-10-third-world-country-kids, and Edward Norton.

Fart Factor:

9.8765 out of 10. That black photoshopped line is the only thing separating the two. Unfortunately, it doesn't block the pungent smell. One is obviously suffering more than the other.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:

this is a no-brainer. Brad smiles with a sense of accomplishment while his co-star has the typical "you expect me to lick your taint after that?" look. Brad Pitt, I find you guilty.

Interesting Twist:

Brad actually likes the smell of farts. Ed farted, but realized he sharted. Pass the soap.

I Heard a Clap of Thunder.

The lineup: Six members of the Vegas stripping sensation American Storm. Since they can't wear nametags, we can simply refer to them by pants.

Fart Factor: 7.2 out of 10. The smell of ozone in the air isn't enough to cloud the warm updraft of musk and methane. Plaid is suspicious. Camo Cargo 1 looks like he's patting down the billowed evidence. Velour Sweats seems disturbed but poutily confident. Camo Cargo 2 steels himself for the worst. #92 yoga bottoms tries to hide from the limelight, and #3 tries to loosen the drawstrings for some reason...

Most likely fart suspect: Camo Cargo 2. Judging simpply by abdominal muscle flex, he's the one who pooted.

Subway Stink.

The Lineup:

Two multimillionaire sisters with a corporate empire, one actor with really bushy eyebrows. One is seemingly innocent, one is bug-eyed, Eugene is dying. I bet he looked like this often while on the set of American Pie with Seann William Scott, who probably farted so much it fogged Eugene's glasses.

Fart Factor:

8 out of 10

Most likely fart suspect:

Ashley. Or Mary-Kate. Whichever is on the left. Is she the one dating Lance Armstrong? Farting while biking is an interesting topic to be discussed at a later time.

Keep the Queen at arms length.

The lineup:

The royal guard. Or, at least, a crude, if somewhat smelly, imitation. Also appearing is that stupid girl who threw out the peace sign in the movie poster for this awful flick. In fact, that poster probably deserves its own post.It would appear that even as the guard changes, the smell lingers.

Fart factor:

6 out of 10.

Most likely fart suspect:

Sometimes, even a straight face can reveal a pained expression. Both of the guards farted, and the stupid girl things it's goddamn hilarious. 

Unfortunately, a Closed Door Session.

The lineup: Your Rosenberg City Council. Standing L to R: Councilor James Hopkins, Councilor Joe Segura, Councilor Tom Suter, Councilor Dwayne Grigar. Seated L to R: Councilor Waline Sebesta, Mayor Joe Gurecky, Councilor Antonio Martinez.

Fart Factor: A Texas-sized 9 out of 10. Jimmy the Giant, "Short" Joe, T-Bone and Dwayne "The Lip" vote "aye" on the motion to adjourn. Waline the Praline knows something is afoot- or should we say, abutt. Mayor Joe tries to raise a point of order in the brouhaha, and Tony would rather not be recognized by the Chair. And from looking at those droopy flags, you just know the boardroom has poor ventilation.

Most likely fart suspect: Dwayne. He'll deny it every time, but it's always Dwayne.

Don't ask, don't smell.

The lineup:

Two stock-photography soldiers in basic training strain their muscles and bowels alike.

Fart factor:

8 out of 10.

Most likely fart suspect:

It's a highly proven scientific fact that strenuous physical activity causes additional biscuits of air to propel themselves into our atmosphere. And to that end (pun intended), these guys sure are propelling something. They'll make it. Damn right they'll make it. Both of them farted. Each in their own way. 

Why Shoot At All?

The lineup: To a hapless geek, Lord Voldemort, Bullseye, and Professor Alastor 'Mad Eye' Moody. To normal filmgoers, the pussy from English Patient, Alexander the Great, and the fat guy who got zombie blood in his eye in 28 Days Later.

Fart Factor: 7.3 out of 10. Ralph Fiennes (annoyingly pronounced Raph Fine or something like that) looks puzzled but amused. Colin Farrell seems defensive, even with a gun in his hand. Brendan Gleeson just looks disappointed in it all. And the swan thinks its mate is calling.

Most likely fart suspect: Colin Farrell is obviously lactose intolerant. It's causing cramping and farts that even an overcoat can't hide.