No, It's Not.

The Lineup: The inimitable Meryl Streep and Stephen Baldwin's fat brother star in this year's box office Dutch oven.

Fart Factor: 8 for intensity. 2 for mystery.

Most Likely Fart Factor: PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN.

Did You Hear That?

The Lineup: Hannah Montana and a floating head with frosted tips.

Fart Factor: 7 out of 10. Miley Cyrus heard something loud, and it made her stop smiling for once. The floating head with frosted tips tries to hide behind the sun. And two miniature people hold on tight as the weeds are blown by the enormous ass-wind.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Since floating heads don't typically have anuses, we're going to have to go with Miley Cyrus here. Poot!

STYNK.

The Lineup: What looks like TJ from "The Sopranos," Ryan Phillippe, and the chick from that one 007 movie. And a ray of sunshine lights up the methane.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Tony Junior isn't sure if he should bring it up. Ryan Phillippe just hopes the odor doesn't get absorbed by his goatee, and Eva Green could care less if anyone heard it. Got a cigarette?

Most Likely Fart Factor: Follow the sunlight; it's pointing at TJ. Yeah, you!

Oxygen Mask, Please

I don't know what it is about Star Trek or William Shatner, but they both end up on this fart blog a lot.

The Lineup: The great, legendary Shatner, and the gremlin from the classic "Twilight Zone" episode.

Fart Factor: 7 out of 10. Shatner is ashamed. Or repulsed. Or distraught. Or terrified. Or wistful. And the gremlin cannot believe Shatner farted.

Most Likely Fart Suspect:KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

An Album Cover That's Too Easy

Moon Gas? Dick Hyman? This is a third grader's gigglefest.

Personally, I think Mary Mayo is pretty hilarious.

This One's Too Easy

I mean, the title of the movie, the look on the kids' faces, even the tagline are all such softballs for this website. I mean, why not just call it "Farty Farthing and the Forty Fartsters" while you're at it?

If this blog were a lion, it would give this movie poster to its young so they can learn to hunt.

Unfortunate Album Cover of the Month

The "Catwoman" Score by Klaus Badelt, which I imagine contains lots of violin strings that screech like cats. Halle Berry lays a big ol' cat fart on all of Gotham:


And I don't know about the music, but the album cover matches the quality of the movie perfectly. Honk.

Brundlefart

The Line Up: "Ah, well, you see...ah, we have three, ah, people there on the DVD, ah, cover...myself, Willem Dafoe, who ah, was great in "The English Patient," and, ah, some woman who I can't remember but who looks like, ah Anne Hathaway, yes."

Fart Factor: "Ah, I would say, ah, a 4 out of ten, yes... I look confused or embarrassed; maybe both. Willem Dafoe just looks tired, and ah, Anne Hathaway pretends she didn't even hear or, ah, smell it."

Most Likely Fart Suspect: "Who knows, ah? There's no predicting it. That's, ah, the beauty of Chaos Theory, yes."

Blast From the Past

The Lineup: Grandma, YOU, and Mom, circa 1970.

Fart Factor: 5 out of 10. The two adults in the room are pretty incredulous, but you seem either oblivious to the smell or are proud of what you just farted out.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Grandma. She farted so hard the silver in the cabinet darkened.

New Moon (No Pun Title Needed)

The Lineup: Kristen Stewart, that Robert Pattinson or Patterson guy, and six teen emoters. All in brown mist.

Fart Factor: I'd give it a 6.5 out of 10. From left to right, jock vampire knows what's up. Cheerleader vampire doesn't appreciate the smell. Kristen Stewart turns away but likes how it blows her hair. Robert Pattinson or Patterson or whatever claws Kristen's back as if he's about to squeeze another one out. Blond vampire can barely see or smell anything from back there in the bleachers. Wynonna Judd vampire smirks from afar. Sassy best friend vampire with a bob haircut encourages the farter to ratchet that action up to actual poop, and curly-haired douche vampire will pretend he didn't hear that loud clap.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The werewolves. They always blame the werewolves.

Live From Cleveland

"Chaos begins when the heat rises...from someone's pants."

The Lineup: An EXTREMELY huge Val Kilmer, who's obviously let himself go, and three girls whose names I don't care to learn. And a fan inside the lettering can't blow away the whiff, so they're all screwed.

Fart Factor: A steamingly hot 9. Girl 1 cannot believe it- she just straightened her hair. Girl 2 (Anne Heche?) denies knowing anything about a fart. Girl 3 should really close her mouth. And ginormous Val Kilmer just enjoys the rancid cloud and lets it seep into his beard. And somewhere towards the floor of the room, Willow is gasping his last breath.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Girl 3. And she's about to let another one, by the looks of it.

Farty Keitel

(Alternate Title: Somebody Light a Cage Match)


The Lineup: The two leads from "Ghost Rider." I guess it was such a lucrative movie that they decided to team up again.

Fart Factor: 3 out of 10. Nicolas Cage gives that intense Nicolas Cage squint– he suspects that maybe whoever farted is hiding under the Declaration of Independence. Eva Mendes (I've gone on record saying I'd let her fart on me) looks more disappointed than anything. And a bunch of miniature cops have to sit in the big ol' stink cloud.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Nicolas Cage. What an a-hole.

Burning Methane

The Line-uppe: Monsieur Vin Diesel Look-alike een a well tailored suit, Monsieur Jean-Philippe Badass sans shirt, et Mademoiselle Hugeboob in a French action film explosif de Alain Desrotters. Oh la la!

Facteur de Fart: 7 out of, how do you say, 10?


Monsieur Baldé theenks that somewohn has leeked a fart een the atmosphere. He cannot believe his nostreels!


Jean-Luc Scruffé can smell something térrible, certainement. Eet has started to curl hees hair, no?


Et le pretty lady avec les grandes nichons knows the foul odour ees wafting een her direction. C'est horrible pour elle!


There ees also a personne spirituele gigantique een the background, seeting een the meest. Ees he the source of the fart? Or is he the fart eetself?

Most Likely Suspect de Fart: Germany. They start everytheeng!

Shields Down! And Somebody Crack a Window!

The Lineup: The guy from "In Search Of," the old black woman from "Heroes," and the Priceline Negotiator.

Fart Factor: Warp 7, Captain. We've picked up readings of a noxious methane leak in the cabin, with possible traces of sulfur. Changing scanner frequency to isolate the source.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Not to narc him out, but I saw Sulu in the break room eating space egg rolls.

I'll Be There For You

The Lineup: Jennifer and Dave.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Dave is having a hard time listening either because he wants to catch a peek at her "Rachel" or because he can't hear her over the loud butt clap.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Sorry, we're all out of time. Good night, folks!

Breakfast? No Thanks.

The Lineup: A princess, a brain, and an athlete.

Fart Factor: Pretty high. I heard a noise from the other room, and I know it was one of you. So you better tell me who it was right now. You know what? You just bought yourself another Saturday, mister.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The big statue. At least that's what the basket case said.

But It Smells Like Detroit.

The Lineup: Peter Sarsgaard, Sienna Miller, and the server from Bennigan's who would like to know if I'm interested in Tanked Wings, Hoagie-Stogies or B-Bite Sliders this evening or if he'd like to just start me out with a drink order.

Fart Factor: Way high. About an 8.87. Sarsgaard plays it cool, not trying to make any eye contact through all the lens flares. Sienna, however, knows what's up already. And the server from Bennigan's is sorry, but they're out of both Guinness Glazed Chicken & Shrimp and the Black & Bleu Bacon Burger, but they can make a Tavern Melt really quickly, if I'd like that.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Bennigan's. Either the melted American cheese or the sautéed onions were enough to cause my ass to start a Happy Birthday clap song.

Holocronic Diarrhea

Alternate Title: "Rumblebee"


The Lineup: Megan Fox, Shiaia LaBeoueuff, and several big piles of soda cans, all running from the hugest beef the desert has ever witnessed.

Fart Factor: 8 out of 10. Sand clouds, light beams, and even scrap metal is flying everywhere because someone ate a seven layer burrito the night before.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Like anything from Michael Bay, it's hard to tell because it's all so jumbled.

I Vant To Go Into Another Room!

The Lineup: Mopey & pale vampire dude, young Josh Brolin, and Kristen Stewart with so much makeup, she resembles an old Chinese masseuse.

Fart Factor: A bloodsucking 5 out of 10. Rob Pattinson was distracted enough to lose his heroic pose. Josh Brolin thought he heard a duck, and Kristen Stewart shields herself from the brown mist.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Look at Josh Brolin's hands. He forced one out like a bat out of hell.

A Pair of Aces

The Lineup: A Dawson's Creek version of the real MIT kids who hustled a Vegas casino using math. I don't recognize anyone but Kate Bosworth.

Fart Factor: A possible straight. Lead guy heard something, but Asian dude ain't talkin'. Asian girl and white boy redirect the attention onto lead guy. And Kate Bosworth wonders how light is escaping from lead guy's belly.

Most Likely Fart Suspects: The entire back row. Throw in two non-farters, and you got yourself a full house! Hayooo!

Viva La Flatulance!

The Lineup: French First Lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy and First Lady of Cameroon Chantal Biya listen to a speech by French President Nicolas Sarkozy. And somebody cut the fromage, n'est ce pas?

Fart Factor: A térrible 6 out of 10. The French hold firm in their stand against bio-weapons, while the Cameroons (Cameroonians?) escalate the tension with strong accusations under a mushroom cloud of hair.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The sovereign nation of Cameroon. THIS IS AN ACT OF WAR!

Swamp Gas

The Lineup: (from left) Nobody, Nobody, Nobody, Nobody, and Nobody. And a tagline that bubbles up to the surface.

Fart Factor: A+. First dude is really pissed about it. Second dude is still taking in a whiff. The first two girls are daydreaming about a fart-free Louisiana, and the third girl wishes she hung out with Seniors for a change.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Guy #2. He's kind of proud about it.

The Stink and I

The Lineup: Nell and not Yul Brynner.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. In a battle of wills, East collides with West, and a rank cirrus cloud of stank permeates through the silk. Jodie Foster begs the king's pardon, and Chow Yun-Fat smiles through the awkward moment, trying to rise above it.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Chow.

And Yet Another Unfortunate Album Cover

Alternate titles: Squeezed Dreams, Eurfarting, and No More I Love Yous.

Must...Fan...Air...

The Lineup: The extremely hot Diane Lane, the extremely likeable John Cusack, and the extremely flatulent Walter the Farting Dog.


Fart Factor: 7 out of 10. Diane hotly tries to deflect suspicion away from herself, directing all attention to John...


...but John isn't having it. She's such a scamp that way, that woman! He shoots back a look that says, "No, honey, that was not me" and sends the attention to...


..."Aww man. Why is always blamed on me? I mean, my diet consists mainly of dry dog food and water, so how can something that smells so bad be attributed to me? It's not like I've been the one making drunken trips to Del Taco at 4am. You know what? This is bullshit."

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Diane Lane.

Yet Another Unfortunate Album Cover.

This one from Japan. From the album "Rainbow" by Ayumi Hamasaki, whoever that is:

The PseudoTemple of Poot

The Lineup: Richard Chamberlain, because his name had the closest syllables to "Allan Quatermain," and that woman who built an entire film career from showing her pussy. Yeah, and I know it's a drawing rather than a photo, but fuck off.


Fart Factor: A feeble 5 out of 10, despite the actors' best efforts.


Allan Chambermain smells something terrible and wants to shoot it.


Sharon Stone also smells something terrible and wants to shoot it, but right after she flashes her vagina.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Look closely at the poster.


Richard Quaterlain is wafting away the poot, which originates from SHARON STONE! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

Fart On Three. One...Two...

The Lineup: You can read, can't you? Jesus.

Fart Factor: 8 out of 10. Both men are offended, although only one of them is innocent. Travolta thinks it smells so bad he has to clench his jaw. Denzel tries to rise above it all but can't get beyond the offense. And a train is coming out of the hole.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: I really hate to accuse the black guy, but yeah.

Thunderdome.

(Alternate title: "Who Runs Fartertown?")

A reader submission by Tom Weingard: a page from US Magazine.
Click to enlarge for the full effect.

The Temple of Poot

The Lineup: Half of Ashley Judd's face, Harrison Ford who may or may not be wearing a fedora, some kid, and Ray Liotta who may or may not have his brain exposed.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Lots of nostril flaring and accusatory looks. Ray has a look of disbelief. Jim Sturgess doesn't take sides. Han Solo thinks he smells a Wookiee, and Ashley Judd is just glad she's not playing a cop again (is she?).

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Ray Liotta. Now he's got to go back into Witness Protection. (losing horns)

An Incorrect Title.

The Lineup: HOLY CRAP, IT'S THE GUY FROM "SERENITY"...no, wait just some guy; HOLY CRAP, IT'S REESE WITHERSPOO...no, that's not her either; HOLY CRAP, IT'S BRAD P... shit, this movie is full of nobodies.

Fart Factor: High. 8 out of 10. The guy with the rope bracelet is saying, "You're not fooling anybody, Reese Witherspoon. The dude packing looks at the camera as if to say, "Can you believe she just farted in front of everybody?" And Reese Witherspoon lookalike is just glad the rupture didn't make her boobs fall out.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Since she never admitted to it, we're going to have to declare a mistrial here. Everyone is dismissed.

Put a Ring On It.

The Lineup: Some dude too tall for a poster, Béyéoncéé Knowlés, and the boring chick from "Heroes."

Fart Factor: 5 out of 10. And I'm not saying it's a racial thing, but I can't help but feel like somebody's blaming whitey.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Whitey.

Snikt! Poot!

The Lineup: The guy who empties my gutters every fall, the guy who rings me up at the car wash, Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber with a terrible manicure, and the girl who I gave a look to on the bus.

Fart Factor: 7.3 out of 10. Wolverine is pretty defiant of the accusation, whereas everyone else can't even bring themselves to look at the camera. Or else someone dropped a nickel.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: The guy who empties my gutters every fall. I always knew that sound wasn't from the squeaky gutters.

Blow It Out Your Ass.

The Lineup: NOT the girl from Six Feet Under, and possibly the guy from Smallville, but who gives a shit, really.

Fart Factor: 6 out of 10. Red smells something. But Clark is playing oblivious. Luckily someone down below has taken it upon themselves to light a match.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Nora Roberts. That chick cranks farts out almost as frequently as her rag books.

That Big Bass Thump.

The Lineup: DJ GroceryClerk and DJ BrotherofGroceryClerkWhoNeedsToBorrowLikeFiveDollars

Fart Factor: 4 out of 10. At 120 beats per minute. One of them was hoping the "Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss" would hide his butt burst. But nope.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: DJ I'mTooLazyToTypeOutHisWholeNameAgain